Les came to me a few months ago, fearful that his wife was having an affair. They'd been having problems, and she was spending more and more time out of the house, apparently out with friends. Les didn't believe her for a second, and spent the time stewing at home, dialing her cell number, and on more than one occasion, cruising around to see if he could see her out and about. As soon as she came home, she'd be given a relentless grilling, and in time she shut him down entirely. Communication had dried up, and the relationship was apparently all but over.

He looked dreadful. Tried, overwrought and overweight. His skin was bad, his breath was bad, and he displayed all the classic signs of a guy who was being eaten up, from the inside out.

And of course, all his desperation and jealousy was not only making him sad and sick, it was driving her further and further away too! By showing her he didn't trust her, he was insulting her, and undermining anything good they'd ever had.

Now Les desperately wanted to get out of this horrible mess, and was willing to work with me to completely shift his perspective and context.

I can guarantee that letting your jealousy show, is a fail-safe way to lose your dignity, lose your self-esteem and frankly, ruin your life! Nothing will ruin a relationship or marriage faster than jealously. It creates anxiety, anger, loneliness, hate and fear. No one thinks clearly when jealous.

Having a relationship with a jealous person is no fun either. Jealousy makes the person unattractive, even turning them into the enemy.

No one wants a jealous partner and no one likes being jealous. So how come so many people are?

In my experience there are a number of reasons, but the primary cause is a breakdown in communications, and this usually happens for one of two reasons:

Because ether one or both partners are playing power games by withholding information and creating big "doubt-filled-black-holes" for their unwitting partner to fill with fear, fury and fantasy.

Or because one partner is unwittingly creating a situation that the other partner interprets negatively.

Gaping communication holes leave space for tons of tough questions for the jealous guy. "Has she found someone she likes better than me?" "Is she cheating on me?" "Is she going to leave me?" "Has she found someone richer?"

When you're jealous you assume the worst:

"Maybe she'll fall in love with her personal trainer and leave me."

"She's going to lunch with her boss because she's having an affair with him."

"She's not answering the phone because she's in bed with some guy in a motel!" You know how that one goes? I bet you felt pretty stupid too, when she came in from the supermarket, but even as you unpacked the groceries I bet you were still looking for clues she'd been cheating!

Wow. We sure make life tough for ourselves sometimes.

So how do you handle these awful feelings of jealousy? How do you deal with a spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend who is jealous?